Writing

Lately I haven’t known what to write.

So I don’t.

It’s becoming a struggle to even think about writing

but I love it

and I power through to find something to write about

even if it’s just about not writing.

Growing pains

She’s mad. She is ignoring you. She hates you.

These are the thoughts running through my head.

I know that she is busy.

I know she is working.

I know this

but I can’t shake the feeling that my anxiety is right.

My anxiety overcomes me like

the black plague

killing 1/3 of my body.

But my coping skills are telling me to talk to her.

So I do.

And it turns out

her body is covered with the black plague as well.

And anxiety becomes the language of our relationship

chipping away at what it once was

and because we have a deep connection

we will lean on each other through the growing pains

and become stronger.

Security blanket

I feel like wearing a dress today

because I went shopping for cute things.

I was gonna wear the dress that make me feel beautiful.

But my mind it saying

That is too much for therapy.

I hate that

in my head I need a special occasion

to look beautiful.

But I told myself I was gonna wear a dress.

Not because I want to

but because it’s hot and I need a reason

to look nice.

I am nervous to hear what my therapist is going to say.

My hair is done.

I am wearing a dress.

She will probably say

You look so nice! I’m so glad you are feeling better.

Which scares me.

Because my depression is my security blanket.

I don’t know how to live my life

Happy.

Be nice.

I always get surprised

by how people treat other people.

Wanting things to be perfect the first time

and demanding excellence.

Like do you not realize that the person

behind the cash register has a beating heart?

They have families that love them

who hold them when they cry.

And I always get surprised

because I was taught to treat people they way you want to be treated.

Apiphobia

My heart in my chest

I can’t breathe.

My only thought is

It’s gonna get me.

Where can I hide?

It makes my skin crawl to think about it.

Apiphobia.

The fear of bees.

I try and explain to people that it’s not just a little fear.

It impacts my day to day life.

I’ve always been afraid.

Terrified of them coming for me.

And I don’t know why.

Today I love myself

I am warmed in a blanket of love I set for me,

wrapped in cloth of lies I have used to grow stronger.

I hear a song on the radio that make me cry with happiness

and I am thankful to be the glue that holds my family together,

the joys of the middle child.

I get strength from my mother and grandmother who are diamonds

sparkling in the sunlight

strong and elegant.

I feel connected to the Earth when the rain comes

washing away all of the sadness

if only for a day.

And today I love myself.