Facebook Memories

I hate the memory tab on Facebook.

It sits there waiting for you to click it

and remember all the things that happened that day however many years ago.

2 years ago

You graduated college

And it reminds you with pictures of you in a cap and gown

With hope and excitement in your eyes

Waiting for your life to begin.

But 2 years later

And you are still jobless and living with your parents.

 

1 year ago

You got into a relationship.

You see the status and are reminded

All over again how they broke your heart by claiming to be someone they aren’t

And that kills your whole day.

 

But sometimes it reminds you of when you went to Europe for the first time.

Or how you studied aboard for a whole year.

And that fills you with hope for the future.

Because even though the memories on Facebook suck

The future doesn’t have to.

Gasoline

Every time I fill up my car I smell the gasoline

And I am instantly floated back to my childhood summers

At camp.

As I lift the gas pump the strong fumes remind me

Of the gas-powered boat that my cabinmates and I would ride

As we learned how to ski and tube.

And I begin to feel free as I remember the wind in my hair

As the boat zoomed along the water dragging me and my friends on a circular innertube.

And as we turn the corner the gasoline creeps up my nose

And when we stop

I mention to my friend that I guiltily love the smell of gasoline.

And she smiles and says

“So do I.”

Science Class

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than identical twins.

When I first learned about DNA

I felt special because I am the only me out there

There is no one else with my face.

But then a classmate of mine

Raised her hand curiously and asked about identical twins.

It was then my illusion was shattered like a mirror

I had begun to realize that identical twins have the same DNA.

It began to give me hives thinking about

What if I had an identical twin?

I would no longer be special.

There wouldn’t just be one of me.

There would be two.

7 Childhood Apologies to Nobody

1.

I’m sorry that I was obedient.

I never got in trouble and when I did

It was the end of the world.

But I soon realized that only I cared.

2.

I am sorry I was so girly.

With all my necklaces worn to school looking like a porcelain doll.

I remember crying in the movie theater because my favorite necklace broke.

And like a perfect daddy you bought me a new one.

3.

I’m sorry that I was a doormat.

Never speaking up for myself

when the third grade girls told me to write my “a’s” a certain way

and if I didn’t I couldn’t be their friend.

I cried because I couldn’t do it.

It took me three weeks to figure it out

but by then it wasn’t cool

and nobody cared.

4.

I am sorry for being the middle child.

Forever living in my siblings shade

and forgetting who I am

because her shadow was dark and it blended into mine.

5.

I’m sorry for being trusting

For believing in the best in people

and not learning that if you touch the hot stove

you get burned.

For losing friends because I was the weird Jewish girl.

6.

I am sorry for never having friends over.

My mother didn’t grow up in a house where friends came over

so neither did I.

7.

I’m sorry for being senstive.

Taking everything personally.

And feeling like a sponge

taking in every insult and criticism

But most importantly

I am sorry for not being sorry

Because if I truly was sorry

I wouldn’t be writing this poem.

Playlist

I have a whole playlist on Spotify that reminds me of you.

When I need to remember how you broke me I listen

And remember how you started chipping away at my mind and soul.

That you told me my mental illness would go away if I tried hard enough.

I keep telling you it was like a pot on the back burner

always present sometimes boiling

sometimes flat.

But you insisted that I wasn’t trying hard enough to help myself.

Meanwhile you coped with

weed

alcohol

and

cigarettes.

But I wasn’t trying hard enough.

When I listen and I am reminded

You tried to convince me that you didn’t just call me fat for eating.

And I remember your breath on my skin when all we did was have sex

mostly consensual

I thought what we had was special

but all I was to you

was a warm body to sleep with.

I am reminded of when all you did was complain about how you hated everything

including me.

But then I switch the playlist

and I am happy you are easily erased from my memory

like a playlist.